i found myself thinking of ben late at night. he would snake his way into my dreams and stand in corners, watching me. observing me but never saying a word. and though i felt i should’ve been worried about it, it made me feel safe.
in a strange way, he had turned into some guardian angel. he, unlike my actual caretakers, watched over me and cared about me. the loneliness stopped and so did the dark days. i was smiling again. of course, everyone noticed. that’s the thing with being sad all the time. no one wants to find out what’s wrong, no one wants to help, but when you’re better all they do is compare and compare and compare. but i didn’t let that bother me. all because i had ben.
soon, i started seeing him during the day as well. he’d wait for my outside school and then follow me home. he’d stand and watch me from a distance when i ate, now alone, in the cafeteria or at the back of the school. he’d watch me take off my clothes with soulless eyes, eyes taking in every part of me yet never judging my scars.
eventually, he began talking to me. softly, at first. he truly was an angel, guiding me and watching over my choices. telling me what to say and what not to say, who to speak to and when, how to know when someone was lying to me , and most importantly… how to seek revenge on those that had tortured me in be last.
ben became my conscience. a part of me so different yet so sane. so bold, so eager to think the thought i never would’ve had the courage to. so eager to hurt the people i hated and eventually, the people i cared about the most. the conscience that drove me to hang myself right before summer ended.
